What makes awkward

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The upside of awkwardness: writer Melissa Dahl explains why we cringe, and why it can be a good thing. Share this story Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter Share All sharing options Share All sharing options for: The upside of awkwardness: writer Melissa Dahl explains why we cringe, and why it can be a good thing.

Linkedin Reddit Pocket Flipboard Email. This interview has been lightly edited for clarity. Author Melissa Dahl. The word "awkward" itself has a strange history; it originally meant "back-handed" or "back-to-front" in Old Norse, but has been used for people who were physically clumsy in English since the s.

The feeling itself is likely extremely ancient. While awkwardness can produce a lot of humor — an entire genre of films and TV shows plays on our empathy and pain when seeing awkward moments onscreen — it's also a complex social emotion with a lot going on under the surface. If you experience awkward moments a lot, or just want insight into why you hate stretched-out silences so much, read on; it's not just you.

An awkward moment, according to psychologists, is one in which we feel palpably that others may judge us negatively or exclude us. In , the British Psychological Society explained that social awkwardness is "what we feel when the situation threatens our goal of being accepted by others. The feeling prompts us to direct our attention inwards, to monitor our behaviour [ sic ] and attempt to behave in a way that will improve our chances of achieving acceptance.

Expectations play a big part in this. Awkward situations, psychologist Bethany Teachman explained in , involve an "incongruence" between " your perception of how it's supposed to go and what's actually happening. If the other person has just said something surprising, it's okay to reply with, "I am thinking about what you said," to give yourself time to process the information. There is a reason why long silences can make you feel uncomfortable.

A study from the University of Groningen in the Netherlands published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology Research showed that fluent conversations lead to feelings of self-esteem, social validation, and belonging to a group.

Do as much as you can to keep the conversation going, and both you and your conversation partner will feel more at ease. A good conversation is more about making music together than finding the perfect thing to say. If a conversation has become awkward, consider doing something to lighten the mood. You can do this by telling a funny joke or story, poking fun at yourself, or finding the humor in your current situation.

Keeping the mood light will help to break the ice and move the conversation forward. Sometimes conversations are awkward because of disagreements. In these situations, always try to find a compromise.

Practice empathy toward the other person, and try to understand how he or she views the situation differently than you. Doing so may allow you to accept the other person's viewpoint without having to change your own. If you don't know what to say in a conversation, try simply reflecting back what you hear from the other person. If a new friend at school is upset about a poor grade on an assignment, say something like "It sounds like you are really upset about your grade on that project.

Often people simply want to know that their feelings are acknowledged rather than be offered solutions to their problems. Doing so also relieves you of the pressure of trying to think of what to say next. Perhaps you are in a conversation that is awkward because you really don't know anything about the other person. In these situations, it's best to ask questions to try and find mutual interests that can turn into conversations.

If you know that you will be in a situation where you will be talking to strangers , try to plan at least three open-ended "go-to" questions that start with "how" or "what" that you can use if you get into an awkward conversation. Don't struggle too hard with these either. Ask questions to dig deeper into a topic that was discussed earlier in a conversation, to clarify misunderstandings, and to show that you are listening to the other person.

Just be careful not to ask too many questions in a row, or you may come across as an interrogator. New discussion topics are perfect for lulls in conversation. Have a few of these ready to bring out the next time you sense nobody else has anything to say.

Some examples of topics include popular television shows, something that you all have in common such as an upcoming test at school , and current events. Be sure that the topic you introduce is something that will appeal to your conversation partners. New topics are also perfect for small talk with strangers. Even mundane things such as the weather can be good places to start. You might even consider doing some detective work to find out who you will meet and prepare some questions tailored to their interests.

Offering a genuine compliment about a clothing item or hairstyle, for example is also a fine way to talk about something new. If you find yourself in a conversation with a person who is rude, who has asked you something inappropriate, or has made you uncomfortable, it is important to stand up for yourself.

This can help if: you freak out a bit in social situations you cringe at the thought of meeting new people you are keen to make new friends and improve your social skills. Plan into practice When it comes to overcoming your social awkwardness, practice makes perfect.

What can I do now? Talk to a trusted friend or family member about how you feel when you socialise. They might help put things into perspective. Read our guide to better communication. Explore other topics It's not always easy to find the right place to start.